i just want to live (2025)

loathe and disgust fills my mind
unfortunately it’s to myself

a butterfly landed on my shoulder
does it mean a new start?
a new start, a hard reset from everything and beginning from nothing?
or does it mean
a new start, a new life?
the latter should happen.

i might need to commit suicide
i cant stand multi-traumas anymore
things are just proving me to kill myself i just can’t

i think i am committing suicide tommorow. haven't wrote anything yet. i guess this is it.

i survived

when everyone😂😂😂😂😂😂stays the fuck away😂😂😂😂😂😂from me😂😂😂😂and dehumanise me😂😂😂😂😂😂like i’m a fucking monster 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂because they think i’m insensitive😂😂😂😂😂😂ungrateful😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂rude😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂, careless😂😂😂😂😂😂😂and pretentious😂😂😂😂😂😂while not considering😂😂😂😂 that i’m literally suffering😂😂😂😂😂 from a major depressive episode 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂to the point that i am😂😂😂😂😂practically paralysed😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 by my own thoughts😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂and can not communicate like a normal person😂😂😂😂😂effectively severing most of my relationships😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 although i don’t want to😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂i want to be healed😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂nobody attempts to even ask me am i fine or not😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂they just want to be cruel to me😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂they hate me to their own flesh fibres😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂they see me as they see😂😂😂😂😂a fucking serial killer or a rapist😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂they treat me like a random dead person in the 1800s😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂they will deprive me of anything possible😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂leaving me only nothing with a ruined mind😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂and my own fucking disgusting body (i feel disgusted of myself😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂)i want to be pure😂😂😂😂😂but the stereotype made every step of mine comes under scrutiny 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂from everyone😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂i understand but they will never do the same😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂i feel like everything i have done all went down the drain😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂i am unlovable 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂endure what i suffered😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

how not to ruin relations:
step 1: ask if they are well
step 2: be there
step 3: support
step 4: if they need time, just give them some
step 5: ask again around 1 or 2 days

don’t just straight up hinder at step 4, question yourself and stop assuming that they’re abandoning and ignorant towards you. asking helps. don’t make the other person feel worse about themselves

sometimes i just wonder why vietnam does not have a national suicide prevention centre or some kind of suicide hotline.
duong day nong ngay mai is operated privately, and is the only suicide prevention hotline out there kind of like the samaritans shit

>be me
>plans to leave my hair be because i want to style it later on this year
>6am: mom kidnaps me to a barbershop (too tired to even bother)
>mom tells the barber to chop off EVERYTHING (dumbest shit since my anatomy isnt suitable for any short hairstyles)
>looks like a 6th-grader with huge sideburns afterwards
>have the audacity to praise my new “hairstyle” and tell me to be grateful
>losing tet and 3 months of recovery
i am killing myself

it’s better to have one or no parents at all than having them but feeling like you have none at all

today was just depressing. i don't think i will ever step a foot out of the door ever again.
the first thing i can notice is the smile on everybody's face, which i obviously do not have and don't want to have. it made me feel less of a human and somewhat of an animal. which i hate.
i don't know anymore.
everything feels weird, and i think i'm falling into the same loop over and over again, because i can't stop relapsing somehow. grief keeps coming back and i'm scared one day that i will throw a fit in the class, be admitted to an asylum and be seen as an insane person, which i possibly am right now.
it's clear i didn't sleep the whole night before and the consequences were pretty much an unproductive day, at least monday was boring this week so it didn't affect me or anything. and i slept. straight from 3 to 12, 9 hours non-stop. without that sleep, i wouldn't have been sane 'til now.
i think i have bpd, not dysthymia or anything anymore, literally just bpd. or i assume.

i wish to be comforted from everything i had suffer for the last decade. i wish to be pure. i hate body dysmorphia. i hate everything about myself. why would people look at me in this stage and decided that i am nothing but just a pretentious cringy little guy? i want to change but it's too late. it's too late for me. it is simply just too late. just too late.

i can fend off everything, but love. it makes me dangerously vulnerable to anything, and that vulnerability enabled my mental health to get worse until it can't be anymore. but i don't want it to go away.. is that what i must pay for as a sensitive young guy? in an insensitive world that stereotypes everything that people do? i feel more pain, i feel more grief, i feel more nostalgic, i feel more depressed, deeply depressed too, to the point it strangles me and paralyse me like an elk getting shot in the heart by a hunter. please save me. please save me.

it came back. that feeling when you can't do anything but look at people. just having fun as always while you're just sitting at your place, dealing with all of your traumas and ptsds and shit.

i think i'm not going to school today.

i fucking hate myself. i keep letting people down. i know they won't forgive me like the older days.

i hope somebody who's reading this knows that i am on suicide watch

3 attempted suicides in 2 weeks made me into this i don't fucking know

i feel replaceable.i oversleep and under-sleep

i fucking love relapsing this hard. i feel comfort inside my depression

i don't want to feel pain anymore. but i can't stop relapsing. and bleeding through my nose whenever things happens.

now everybody remembers me as the beanie guy. truly a "good" life

woke up. found out i've been listening to this song. on loop for hundreds of times already. great. great start for the day.

oh yeah skipped school today. i didn't want to meet anyone today. bedrotting is fun because nobody who matters to me will help.

quiet eyes - duster

how i'm feeling rn

gonna watch "mysterious skin" (2004) w my friends this night

so i've been thinking about this a lot.
hanoi, where i grew up is developing, yes. though i can see the great sides (wider and longer roads! easier ways to move!), i can apparently also see the bad sides.
hanoi, being a capital city of a rapidly developing country, which is vietnam ofc, also have to face many things that other iconic cities in different timelines have faced.
for example:
new york city (1970), tokyo (1940-1960), london (1950), detroit (1980-1990) and many other cities.(paris, berlin, etc. even los angeles also).
in these decades, these cities gone through pollution, crime, along with that, the rise of teenage's and young adult's despair, depression, heightened risks of suicide, which has also been apparent in hanoi these days ( late 2010-2020s).


we can also align events of such cities into hanoi as well.
american war of independence(1776)-vietnam war(1955)(they have affected both cities nyc and hanoi in ways that look far different but similar)
sprawling/development of nyc (1940-1970)-tokyo(1950-1990)-london(1950-1970)-hanoi(seemingly 1980 or 1990-still continuing)


what did they go through in the development period? well i outlined all of them in previous sentences: crime, instability,...
so how can we try to numb this?
well... of course, let's expose our generation's culture to more experimental elements slow and steady in order to create cultural revolutions (not maoist). it might fail, but it'll certainly leave a mark in our country's history.
by leaving a mark, we can create our own contemporary views about anything possible, make hanoi more humanist! balance it with scientific ideas!
look at the change of nyc from 1960 to 1990. with the help of the new wave culture (which was initially from france) and thanks to andy warhol (whom i specially respect of his influence towards american's contemporary cultural values) and other artists/directors between the atlantic shores, nyc (and other cities mentioned) has become more iconic than ever!
look at everything more...romantic and cinematic, from that we must portray the bad, the evils of hanoi and project it in some kind of media, a picture, lyrics in a song, a short movie, a film maybe.

o h i went full american. shit

thank you french new wave. thank you symphonies in movie's music scores. thank you francis lai. thank you bernard herrmann. thank you jean-luc godard. thank you andy warhol. thank you martin scorcese. thank you ryan gosling. thank you joseph-gordon levitt. thank you alfred hitchcock. thank you david lynch. thank you robin williams. thank you stanley kubrick.

mom made me go to school today. fucking hate everything around me except my friends and shit. they do hate me or something, but do i honestly give a fuck about what's really happening?

i fucking hate every single thing that is happening to me.

to be honest, i feel a little bit dizzy.

"when my life is through,
and the angels ask me to recall
the thrill of them all,
i shall tell them, i remember you."

my dad is diagnosed with catatonia, which is not really surprising since i now know it runs in the family. i have been dealing with depression since 7th grade, when i knew i had to do something, but i didn’t know what to do. it was the point when i have depression, when i knew everybody silently hated me. for being a human, for being self-conscious, for being apparently blunt, which i can’t seem to control. it happens like a loop everytime i want to say something. whenever i see somebody who’s getting closer to me, i wonder when they will despise me, because i have the unfortunate tendency to distance everyone when i fall back into the loop of depression. i wish somebody could've cared for me. but it seems that they’re busy dealing with their own feelings. it is my fault for being so vulnerable to sadness to the point i need others for help. i’m sorry for being such a burden.

chat i might be cooked

bright and warm
blue and fresh
everything feels relaxing
the apple tree laughs out its fruits
the dog had its day

dark and cold
grey and smoky
everything feels suffocating
the willow tree weeps for the leaves that fell
the dog foolishly closes its eyes and wait

how stupid it is, they all point and say,
the sun will set
the soil will turn yellow and barren
the water will turn black and still
the crows will croak
the fog will prevail
!

then i shall wait until the sun rises again
until the soil turns green and lush again
until the water turns clear and flow in serenity again
until the crows go away, and the pigeons coo again
until the fogs go away, again,
the dog answers
.

then he buries his head under the straws of hay,
silently closes his eyes,
waiting, dreaming and fantasising,
about the day he had

mother nature picks him up

true happiness to me

the dog opens his eyes
the sky is still bleak
the soil is still barren
the water is still dead

he shakes his head in slight disappointment
but he still clings to the fantasised hope he had

he knows that grief won’t make things any better
again, he buries himself, in a hole of dirt
deep and cold
closes his eyes

he knew he was never good at letting things go
he couldn’t live in the past forever
he knew he would have to let that day go
eventually
.

mother nature picks him up, again

the dog opens his eyes,
what a peaceful day, he feels
surrounding it, lushful blades of grass
colourful blooming flowers
the limitless blue sky
fluffy clouds casting over the shining sun

in front of him, the apple tree
the dog did not think twice
he ran and screamed
oh, how long have i yearned for your return
oh, how long have i longed for your gifts
the apples, that fell from your branches
oh, please stay
forever
don’t ever leave me waiting for you again
!

he kept chasing
his paws, bloody
his legs, hurting
his eyes, swollen
still, he kept chasing
he knew the suffering would end if he reaches for it

the sudden gust of wind wakes him up
the dog opens his eyes
he comes out of the hole he digged for himself

nothing changed.

he goes berserk
rabid
crazy
uncontrollable

why would you do that, he asked
why didn’t you stay, he asked
why did you leave me, he asked

he drops down in a bush of spiky roses
and closes his eyes
thorns pierce through his bare skin like daggers
tears drop down his bare canine face
wondering why he waited for nothing

mother nature lets him go

the dog opens its eyes
the spiky bushes of white roses cover him
the fog shroud over the deep forest
the water, stagnant
the soil, wet and littered with decaying leaves
everything is as devastating as it was

then, a faint scent, as he raises his head
the scent of nostalgia
the fragrance of grievousness
the aroma of something which was familiar to him

then, a blurry silhouette, as he looks forward
the silhouette of what he remembers
the shade of what he misses
the shadow of what he yearns

the apple tree.

the dog runs again
more desperately than ever3
more selfless than ever
more mindless than ever

his paws, crumbled
his fur, drenched in blood
his eyes, teary and swollen
everything of him is slowly decomposing
in every step he gallops

but, the dog thinks
it is all okay, it is all okay for him
because oh, the apple tree is here again
where everything will be normal
where his suffering will forever end

in his tears
he knows he should have forget it
he knows he should have let it go
he knows the pain inflicted by its disappearance must be remembered
with all his resentment concentrated inside his canine mind

he wishes to hate it
but he couldn’t

it is all he wanted
to let him feel like he is wanted
and it is all he needed
to let him feel like he is needed
.

mother nature has long gone

relapsed pretty badly. i lost track of time again. i feel guilty for being avoidant though i don't want to

btw i love this short film/documentary. i wish to make one the same as this with tons of feelings and emotions.

it was fishy and when i took off the veil of lies and sincerity, i saw a whole rotten angel

don’t put too much unneeded emphasis on yourself; in the end, everybody, their body and flesh, will return to earth, to the soil.
you maybe only live once, or maybe you will reincarnate, to have a better life
but you should enjoy your life, and i hope so

i still remember a year ago when i held my ex when we were still together before she put a knife through my chest
today is the day she stopped following me around. i feel fine
i don’t mind it now. i used to. and i knew how to forgive and not forget. i used to not
i will remain kind// pure// true to myself// respectful//

i saw it. in my dream. my eyes. throbbing in pain
i saw something forbidden in my dream and i shall not tell it to somebody
but if i have to, i would say it was everybody.
cluttering into a mess
into one
even you (me). you are (i am) one of them (everybody)
(i am who i am) you are who you are
.
my eyes are still throbbing in pain, probably my sinusitis.

i remember those who hurted me so badly my “best” friend - ended up almost killing me just because of a small incident. i don’t care if i died either. i don’t blame him. but he needs me, but i can’t see the urgency in it anymore. they said they liked (or loved) me, but i can’t see why i can give 2/3rds of my trust to them anymore.
my ex-gf - bombed me with words i yearn to listen as the main person who i needed to cling on at my worst. mistreating me for days//weeks (reason: i didn’t do what she wanted). now she follows me everywhere and oh god, i hope everything stops. your face makes me nostalgic of the things i hate to remember. i hate it when i remember when i embrace you fully by my arms and you stabbed me by your own cruelty. it feels like you’ve desecrated my body, shovel it up like the ground, and wobble my insides up.
my fault for being too dependent emotionally. i’ve grown. knowing how to de-attach safely. whenever i want to. whereever i want to. i think yet i feel.

exactly 5 years ago, my paternal grandfather, the one who raised me during my childhood, the one who was proud about everything i did, the closest relative i can think of, died of an infection, because his white blood cells were critically low. he was beyond saving.
i’m glad i can make him proud in heaven, i think i did well.
hope he’s well now.
oh yeah, he died because of complications of sepsis, while in a coma. i still remember when i bawl my eyes out looking at the document where my family members signed a do not resuscitate paper, accepting his death. ik he’d been through a lot of trauma and pain. i just couldn’t stand the fact that he’d die because of a stupid blood infection...
just like that, they pulled the plug.

in the past 2 months, i think it's going to be better. did things i really want to do, made me feel something. plus i'm getting active again on wikipedia. yeah.

how everything is going rn:

to be honest, i have had enough with the ones whom i’ve unfriended through this account (facebook priv). though i still regard them as my fellows, i just can’t ignore the fact that they see me based on an altered version of myself, despises that unrealistic and depravitised version and automatically projects it onto myself, a human with normal flaws.
you guys like everyone to listen, be empathetic and be influenced by yourself. please judge yourself instead of judging carefree people who’s just trying to live their lives to the fullest
in summary, never listen to one side of the story. i don’t mind your thoughts, but i’m always here, my mind is always open for problems and discussions.
stop hiding around and attack me from behind. i’m not nazi germany during d-day. i try my best to be kind and wholehearted, and this is what you guys do.

was really bored. so i went on a holiday in ninh thuan. kind of a good place to go, the water was clear, sun was shining... literally alternate hawaii, but with vietnamese characteristics.

thank god for answering my prayers, though a bit late, but i guess it's a delay.
healing me from my insecurities, pain and agony, and blessed me with his punishment as karma towards my ex-best friends and ex-relationships
i hope they continue to rot in their own wrongdoings
so they know what they have done
.
and thanks to my doctor and my therapist who helped me get over my pain

finally, neocities got unblocked in hanoi.