i just want to live (2025)

loathe and disgust fills my mind
unfortunately it’s to myself

a butterfly landed on my shoulder
does it mean a new start?
a new start, a hard reset from everything and beginning from nothing?
or does it mean
a new start, a new life?
the latter should happen.

i might need to commit suicide
i cant stand multi-traumas anymore
things are just proving me to kill myself i just can’t

i’m sorry for not being talkative.
i miss you but i can’t find the reason to open my mouth
why wouldn’t i though?
you saved me from killing myself for two times
you cured me from my traumas
you are my oxygen

please don’t abandon me like that
please don’t look at me with those piercing eyes of yours
please don’t target your hatred at me
i know i am a monstrous creature
i know i do not belong
i know i am in a loop all over again
but please, i am not a robot
i am human
i have feelings, i have emotions, i have mistakes
i exist, to care, to live, to love somebody
but it seems like it is never enough

i love my fp. i care for her no matter how negatively she thinks of herself

think of me, for once, per sometimes

i think i am committing suicide tommorow. haven't wrote anything yet. i guess this is it.

i survived

when everyone😂😂😂😂😂😂stays the fuck away😂😂😂😂😂😂from me😂😂😂😂and dehumanise me😂😂😂😂😂😂like i’m a fucking monster 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂because they think i’m insensitive😂😂😂😂😂😂ungrateful😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂rude😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂, careless😂😂😂😂😂😂😂and pretentious😂😂😂😂😂😂while not considering😂😂😂😂 that i’m literally suffering😂😂😂😂😂 from a major depressive episode 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂to the point that i am😂😂😂😂😂practically paralysed😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 by my own thoughts😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂and can not communicate like a normal person😂😂😂😂😂effectively severing most of my relationships😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂 although i don’t want to😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂i want to be healed😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂nobody attempts to even ask me am i fine or not😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂they just want to be cruel to me😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂they hate me to their own flesh fibres😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂they see me as they see😂😂😂😂😂a fucking serial killer or a rapist😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂they treat me like a random dead person in the 1800s😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂they will deprive me of anything possible😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂leaving me only nothing with a ruined mind😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂and my own fucking disgusting body (i feel disgusted of myself😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂)i want to be pure😂😂😂😂😂but the stereotype made every step of mine comes under scrutiny 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂from everyone😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂i understand but they will never do the same😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂i feel like everything i have done all went down the drain😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂i am unlovable 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂endure what i suffered😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

how not to ruin relations:
step 1: ask if they are well
step 2: be there
step 3: support
step 4: if they need time, just give them some
step 5: ask again around 1 or 2 days

don’t just straight up hinder at step 4, question yourself and stop assuming that they’re abandoning and ignorant towards you. asking helps. don’t make the other person feel worse about themselves

oh she's here. i missed you so much. i love you.

sometimes i just wonder why vietnam does not have a national suicide prevention centre or some kind of suicide hotline.
duong day nong ngay mai is operated privately, and is the only suicide prevention hotline out there kind of like the samaritans shit

>be me
>plans to leave my hair be because i want to style it later on this year
>6am: mom kidnaps me to a barbershop (too tired to even bother)
>mom tells the barber to chop off EVERYTHING (dumbest shit since my anatomy isnt suitable for any short hairstyles)
>looks like a 6th-grader with huge sideburns afterwards
>have the audacity to praise my new “hairstyle” and tell me to be grateful
>losing tet and 3 months of recovery
i am killing myself

it’s better to have one or no parents at all than having them but feeling like you have none at all

i just want to say that no, you are not unattractive. you are not fat. you are not balding. i swear. take care of you with me. i will help you. because i miss you. i love you for so long but i'm scared everyone will ridicule me. even you too
i love you.
i love you so much.
i want to express but oh.
i love your voice
your intelligence
your consciousness to anything
your interactions to me
your hair
your perfume's smell
your smile
your political views (which is almost similar to mine)
your prettiness
your straightforwardness
your friendliness
your talks with me
your maturity
your awesome, cool, radical and great music taste
though you may have imperfections, you are still perfect to me. believe me. you are special towards me.
i'm really just not good at communicating my feelings.
it's 3am when i wrote this. sorry if i forget anything. i love you

trust me. you are worthy of love
you are worthy just by living. because i love you so much.
i will try to help you. trust me
you are deserving of love.
you are pretty. believe me. just believe me for once.

i say sorry because that's the only thing i think i could say. saying sorry is my trait. but something too much isn't good either. so i think i should be more straightforward. i am courageous but shy and fearful. i will fix it because of you.

today was just depressing. i don't think i will ever step a foot out of the door ever again.
the first thing i can notice is the smile on everybody's face, which i obviously do not have and don't want to have. it made me feel less of a human and somewhat of an animal. which i hate.
i don't know anymore.
everything feels weird, and i think i'm falling into the same loop over and over again, because i can't stop relapsing somehow. grief keeps coming back and i'm scared one day that i will throw a fit in the class, be admitted to an asylum and be seen as an insane person, which i possibly am right now.
it's clear i didn't sleep the whole night before and the consequences were pretty much an unproductive day, at least monday was boring this week so it didn't affect me or anything. and i slept. straight from 3 to 12, 9 hours non-stop. without that sleep, i wouldn't have been sane 'til now.
i think i have bpd, not dysthymia or anything anymore, literally just bpd. or i assume.

i wish to be comforted from everything i had suffer for the last decade. i wish to be pure. i hate body dysmorphia. i hate everything about myself. why would people look at me in this stage and decided that i am nothing but just a pretentious cringy little guy? i want to change but it's too late. it's too late for me. it is simply just too late. just too late.

i can fend off everything, but love. it makes me dangerously vulnerable to anything, and that vulnerability enabled my mental health to get worse until it can't be anymore. but i don't want it to go away.. is that what i must pay for as a sensitive young guy? in an insensitive world that stereotypes everything that people do? i feel more pain, i feel more grief, i feel more nostalgic, i feel more depressed, deeply depressed too, to the point it strangles me and paralyse me like an elk getting shot in the heart by a hunter. please save me. i beg you. please save me. talk to me.

it came back. that feeling when you can't do anything but look at people. just having fun as always while you're just sitting at your place, dealing with all of your traumas and ptsds and shit.

i think i'm not going to school today.

i fucking hate myself. i keep letting people down. i know they won't forgive me like the older days.

i hope somebody who's reading this knows that i am on suicide watch

3 attempted suicides in 2 weeks made me into this i don't fucking know i haven't had a irl conversation with her.

i feel replaceable.i oversleep and under-sleep

i fucking love relapsing this hard. i feel comfort inside my depression

i wish that me and her will become anglerfishes in the next life.

i don't want to feel pain anymore. but i can't stop relapsing. and bleeding through my nose whenever things happens.

now everybody remembers me as the beanie guy. truly a "good" life

woke up. found out i've been listening to this song. on loop for hundreds of times already. great. great start for the day.

oh yeah skipped school today. i didn't want to meet anyone today. bedrotting is fun because nobody who matters to me will help.

quiet eyes - duster

how i'm feeling rn

gonna watch "mysterious skin" (2004) w my friends this night

so i've been thinking about this a lot.
hanoi, where i grew up is developing, yes. though i can see the great sides (wider and longer roads! easier ways to move!), i can apparently also see the bad sides.
hanoi, being a capital city of a rapidly developing country, which is vietnam ofc, also have to face many things that other iconic cities in different timelines have faced.
for example:
new york city (1970), tokyo (1940-1960), london (1950), detroit (1980-1990) and many other cities.(paris, berlin, etc. even los angeles also).
in these decades, these cities gone through pollution, crime, along with that, the rise of teenage's and young adult's despair, depression, heightened risks of suicide, which has also been apparent in hanoi these days ( late 2010-2020s).


we can also align events of such cities into hanoi as well.
american war of independence(1776)-vietnam war(1955)(they have affected both cities nyc and hanoi in ways that look far different but similar)
sprawling/development of nyc (1940-1970)-tokyo(1950-1990)-london(1950-1970)-hanoi(seemingly 1980 or 1990-still continuing)


what did they go through in the development period? well i outlined all of them in previous sentences: crime, instability,...
so how can we try to numb this?
well... of course, let's expose our generation's culture to more experimental elements slow and steady in order to create cultural revolutions (not maoist). it might fail, but it'll certainly leave a mark in our country's history.
by leaving a mark, we can create our own contemporary views about anything possible, make hanoi more humanist! balance it with scientific ideas!
look at the change of nyc from 1960 to 1990. with the help of the new wave culture (which was initially from france) and thanks to andy warhol (whom i specially respect of his influence towards american's contemporary cultural values) and other artists/directors between the atlantic shores, nyc (and other cities mentioned) has become more iconic than ever!
look at everything more...romantic and cinematic, from that we must portray the bad, the evils of hanoi and project it in some kind of media, a picture, lyrics in a song, a short movie, a film maybe.

o h i went full american. shit

thank you french new wave. thank you symphonies in movie's music scores. thank you francis lai. thank you bernard herrmann. thank you jean-luc godard. thank you andy warhol. thank you martin scorcese. thank you ryan gosling. thank you joseph-gordon levitt. thank you alfred hitchcock. thank you david lynch. thank you robin williams. thank you stanley kubrick.

mom made me go to school today. fucking hate everything around me except my friends and shit. they do hate me or something, but do i honestly give a fuck about what's really happening?

i miss her a lot. i think she's unwell and.. i asked her via messenger to see if she's ok.
she hasn't responded since 12PM to now.
i hope she's well because i love her so much but it's hard to say sorry after a long time being silent to her

i wish i could talk to her. like normal. again. because i love her so much

i just want to see her eyes and her smile again.

to love is to make yourself be vulnerable to things you've never experienced before.
i long for love, the love that is killing me slowly from the insides

i fucking hate every single thing that is happening to me.

to be honest, i feel a little bit dizzy.

"when my life is through,
and the angels ask me to recall
the thrill of them all,
i shall tell them, i remember you."

i miss her. i miss her.

why does it feel so hard to say sorry all of a sudden. i love what i love forever. i never abandon, i just stay away whenever the one i love feels annoyed by my presence.

my dad is diagnosed with catatonia, which is not really surprising since i now know it runs in the family. i have been dealing with depression since 7th grade, when i knew i had to do something, but i didn’t know what to do. it was the point when i have depression, when i knew everybody silently hated me. for being a human, for being self-conscious, for being apparently blunt, which i can’t seem to control. it happens like a loop everytime i want to say something. whenever i see somebody who’s getting closer to me, i wonder when they will despise me, because i have the unfortunate tendency to distance everyone when i fall back into the loop of depression. i wish somebody could've cared for me. but it seems that they’re busy dealing with their own feelings. it is my fault for being so vulnerable to sadness to the point i need others for help. i’m sorry for being such a burden.
i wasn't as precious as you said so, frankie. i'm just so sorry for hurting you this bad. i don't even want to hurt you, i want to care for you, with all of my heart, no matter how painful the aches can be. i just wanted you to care for me too. i just want that one day you will eventually discover how much i am suffering in the last month.
i didn't want to become a monster. i just want to care and love with all my heart, but my mental illness accidentally pushed you away. and i can't help but grief as you wonder, why am i so distant lately?
maybe my friends can somewhat relate too. i haven't talked to my supposedly amateur therapist about anything yet.
frankie, would you just notice how dark the circles under my eyes were, or how swollen my eyes were? i am a grown man capable of masculine works, yes. but it doesn't mean i can't be vulnerable to the love that is for you.
i just hope one day you are comfortable with me, and then reach out to me so i can take refuge in your lovingly hands and express all of my feelings. i am just scared that you see me nothing other than something that needs to be get rid of, and when i try to reach out to you, you would be hostile towards me.
i just love you so much to the point if somebody tells me to get over it, i would rather kill myself, ruin myself, other than giving up on caring for you.
my care is precious, it is only reserved for the one whom i love the most.
and you did it. you managed to let me tell you all about myself, tell you my heart. you managed to let me open up to you.
i will love you until i fade away like a speck of dust. every cat deserves a chance, every dog has its day.
i will forever and forever be thinking about you, how you treated me, how i felt when somebody made me feel like a human, not some kind of humanised magical machinery or robot made by some kind of unknown force. you made me misanthropy go away. you made butterflies in my stomach rumble like an earthquake.
that's how great you are. that's how wonderful you are. that's how cool you are. i'm sorry for being blunt but please help me get rid of it too. i will change for you.
remind me of your striking staring but gentle smiling eyes, remind me of how warm your breath and your skin are on my own scarred skin, remind me of how cutely you smile when i manage to blurt out some kind of joke, remind of how strong but soothing your perfume is, please remind me of you. my only loss here is your fading existence. i love you. i just want to love you until i don't exist anymore.
please think positively of yourself. you are worthy for everything. even love and care.
if you do something bad to me, i will forgive and forgive and forgive and forgive and forgive, because you are the only one who can make me feel more joyful and happier in my own life. i want to love you, because i love you. love is what i can do. no initial like or whatsoever, just love. straight up love. my love is infinite for you, frankie.


i hope one day,
the sun comes down,
and i still can see,
your lovely face.

chat i might be cooked

bright and warm
blue and fresh
everything feels relaxing
the apple tree laughs out its fruits
the dog had its day

dark and cold
grey and smoky
everything feels suffocating
the willow tree weeps for the leaves that fell
the dog foolishly closes its eyes and wait

how stupid it is, they all point and say,
the sun will set
the soil will turn yellow and barren
the water will turn black and still
the crows will croak
the fog will prevail
!

then i shall wait until the sun rises again
until the soil turns green and lush again
until the water turns clear and flow in serenity again
until the crows go away, and the pigeons coo again
until the fogs go away, again,
the dog answers
.

then he buries his head under the straws of hay,
silently closes his eyes,
waiting, dreaming and fantasising,
about the day he had

mother nature picks him up

true happiness to me

the dog opens his eyes
the sky is still bleak
the soil is still barren
the water is still dead

he shakes his head in slight disappointment
but he still clings to the fantasised hope he had

he knows that grief won’t make things any better
again, he buries himself, in a hole of dirt
deep and cold
closes his eyes

he knew he was never good at letting things go
he couldn’t live in the past forever
he knew he would have to let that day go
eventually
.

mother nature picks him up, again

the dog opens his eyes,
what a peaceful day, he feels
surrounding it, lushful blades of grass
colourful blooming flowers
the limitless blue sky
fluffy clouds casting over the shining sun

in front of him, the apple tree
the dog did not think twice
he ran and screamed
oh, how long have i yearned for your return
oh, how long have i longed for your gifts
the apples, that fell from your branches
oh, please stay
forever
don’t ever leave me waiting for you again
!

he kept chasing
his paws, bloody
his legs, hurting
his eyes, swollen
still, he kept chasing
he knew the suffering would end if he reaches for it

the sudden gust of wind wakes him up
the dog opens his eyes
he comes out of the hole he digged for himself

nothing changed.

he goes berserk
rabid
crazy
uncontrollable

why would you do that, he asked
why didn’t you stay, he asked
why did you leave me, he asked

he drops down in a bush of spiky roses
and closes his eyes
thorns pierce through his bare skin like daggers
tears drop down his bare canine face
wondering why he waited for nothing

mother nature lets him go

the dog opens its eyes
the spiky bushes of white roses cover him
the fog shroud over the deep forest
the water, stagnant
the soil, wet and littered with decaying leaves
everything is as devastating as it was

then, a faint scent, as he raises his head
the scent of nostalgia
the fragrance of grievousness
the aroma of something which was familiar to him

then, a blurry silhouette, as he looks forward
the silhouette of what he remembers
the shade of what he misses
the shadow of what he yearns

the apple tree.

the dog runs again
more desperately than ever3
more selfless than ever
more mindless than ever

his paws, crumbled
his fur, drenched in blood
his eyes, teary and swollen
everything of him is slowly decomposing
in every step he gallops

but, the dog thinks
it is all okay, it is all okay for him
because oh, the apple tree is here again
where everything will be normal
where his suffering will forever end

in his tears
he knows he should have forget it
he knows he should have let it go
he knows the pain inflicted by its disappearance must be remembered
with all his resentment concentrated inside his canine mind

he wishes to hate it
but he couldn’t

it is all he wanted
to let him feel like he is wanted
and it is all he needed
to let him feel like he is needed
.

mother nature has long gone

can never do it btw. i yearn. i don't hate

so fucking relatable i'm just crying rn tbh